Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

YO THERE QUIPPING QUEEN!

Or, who is that entourage of questionable quirky characters anyway?

By: Adrian Air-of-Sleet, Personal Secretary and Royal Biographer to Her Royal Majesty, Victoria Elizabeth, Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity who is responsible for overseeing the day-to-day-affairs of state involving members of her eager-beaver entourage not to mention all the loyal lollygaggers puttering about in the Queendom of Quirks, Quidnuncs & Quagmires (situated in the little known but well-appointed “Pith n Vinegar Palace” on Dallas Road in beautiful downtown Victoria, British Columbia, Canada)

Much has been said about the Quipping Queen. A spate of bad press lately, (about the odd habits of the merry-making monarch), has led to a good deal of speculation about her state of mind.

To nip the nasty non compos mentis natterings in the bud, the Quipping Queen has asked me to set the record straight.

First, let me assure you that Her Royal Highness is of sound mind, body and spirit! Her only regret is that her loyal subjects often lack opportunities to tickle their funnybones, open Pandora’s box to see what’s inside, or crayon outside the lines in their coloring books.

Second, since she is in possession of her marbles, she has come up with a playful solution to a perplexing problem - the precipitous decline of fun and frolic in the Land of Quibbles and Querilulous Things Going-On or Running Amok.

To stem the flood of feisty complaints to her gates, she has come up with a plan dedicated to improving wit and wisdom in the Queendom. This plan known affectionately as "PUCK-UP", will begin by putting an end to all "do-this-do-that" games in the royal realm, and then encouraging her seriously smile-impaired subjects to play cooperatively in “Sand Circles”.

It is hoped that the new learning centers will foster appreciation of the sands of time, assist participants to build sandcastles in the air effectively, and to understand the ancient philosophical notion that, “going around in circles is what life is all about”.

In response to a myriad of questions from journalists as to who will be responsible for leading this cutting-edge project, a spokesperson for the Ripsnorting Royal Court of the Quipping Queen, responded with alacrity, ardor and artistry.

He stated that this exemplary initiative would be undertaken by an assortment of incredibly clueless if not cockamamie characters who have volunteered to act as “Champions” and “facilitators” for this entertaining social-consciousness engagement.

The list of leading learned lights includes:

Arch-Duke of A-Very-Good-Time-Was-Had-By-All (Need we say more!)

Baron of Bunkum (The best source for dross and drivel in the queendom!)

Baroness of Baubles Bangles & Beads (She coordinates accessories for every occasion ...especially those sparkly sequined spandex yoga outfits!)

Butler of Biscuits & Bottles (Known for his fine selection of premium-brand kibbles, nipples and vittles)

Count Can't-You-See-I'm-Busy-Right-Now (His "to-do" list is a tad longer than the average dance card or grocery list)

Countess of Catnaps (Not known as a "snooze alarmist", she is a welcome guest at every long and boring cocktail party)

Dame Do-You-Know-What-Time-It-Is? (A renowned Clockwatercher!)

Duke of Doorknobs (Applauded for his lively impression of a pet rock!)

Duchess of Dither (The Diva of Damsels-in-Distress)

Footman of Fetish Wear (Tan shoes and pink shoe laces are not his thing)

Grand Duke of Garter Belts, Glass Slippers & G-Strings (A gift-of-the-gab sort who operates exceptionally well “in a tight pinch”, “under-cover”, and “behind closed-doors”)

Groomsman of Grouses, Grouches, G